A properly balanced nervous system is not one that remains calm all the time. It is normal for it to become activated into survival states. The key to nervous system health, rather than avoiding triggers altogether, is the capacity to “ride waves of activation and return to balance.” 

For many, the holidays can feel less like a joyful reunion and somewhat more like psychobiological quicksand. As in quicksand, the family dynamics and holiday stress people experience this time of year can have a sudden grabbing effect, pulling us into regressed and reactive versions of ourselves. 

According to my trusty nature guide, Google, if you are stuck in quicksand, the best thing to do is to “avoid struggling and…gently wiggle your legs back and forth to loosen the sand around you, and if possible, reach for something to pull yourself out of the quicksand, like a branch…” 

I find this an apt metaphor for how one can go about navigating stressful situations during the holidays. Like gently wiggling the legs and reaching out for a branch, I’ve compiled a list of resources and “micro practices” you can do to ease the grip of dysregulation when you’re in the middle of it. These probably won’t shift your state altogether, but they can free you up enough to help you make wise choices. Some of these practices, like the physiological sigh, sticking your hands in cold water or pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth, can be done fairly discreetly, even if you’re with company.

What is nervous system dysregulation?

Before listing off practices, I want to briefly discuss the question of how the nervous system functions and how it gets dysregulated. A map that I love comes from Polyvagal Theory, which describes three categories of states that the nervous system can be in. The first is called the “social engagement system,” which describes the capacity to be in connection with others and the ability to experience the rise and fall of emotions and come back to center. The second is called the sympathetic state, which includes the hyper-aroused fight and flight responses. Finally, there is the shut down or hypoarousal state, which includes the freeze response (as well as flop, fawn, and fragment).

Nervous system dysregulation refers to difficulty finding one’s way back into the social engagement system from either hyperarousal or hypoarousal. Importantly, a properly balanced nervous system is not one that remains calm all the time. It is normal for it become activated into survival states. The key to a healthy system, rather than avoiding triggers altogether, is its capacity to “ride waves of activation and return to balance.” 

If your nervous system has gotten stuck in high or low gear, there are tons of little concrete things you can do to reduce distress in the moment. The internet is teeming with them, and I’ve rounded up my favorite wellness YouTubers, articles from psychotherapy clinics, podcast interviews, and graphics in the link library below. While all mind-body practices are relevant to the nervous system (sleep, exercise, diet, media diet, communication and relationship health etc.), the class of techniques that I’m referring to are more responsive than preventative–designed to help cool down or perk up an already dysregulated system in relatively short order. With that said, it’s a great idea to use your regulation tools on a regular basis, even when you aren’t coping with distress. That way, they get into your muscle memory and can have a deeper effect.